Boys…
All boys…
I’d always imagined that’s the way it would be, and so far it is. I don’t know really if I can even imagine myself as a mother to a girl, but I want to be anyway. Or at least I pray I am one day—if that’s what I’m supposed to have… Who knows, right?! It’s weird for me to think about that one baby that I almost had. The one in-between the two boys I have now. The one I’ve never talked about because it was “too soon” to really matter. Or so I thought at the time… But it mattered to me, at least for the 8-9 weeks I carried what I really felt was my little girl. In my heart I feel that what that baby was… BUT, it’s almost wrong to think about that if I had him or her, I wouldn’t have Axel. And that is heartbreaking.
Life is just crazy! We can not control it, we can’t change the inevitable, we can only work with what were handed in the best way we can!
I have really been internally struggling with having another baby! I have been ready for awhile, a long while, but my husband is “not ready.” But little does he know, we already have 3 children… Men don’t process things the way that we as mothers do, and I never really grieved the loss of that pregnancy the way I should have! I’m actually crying for the first time about it right now, since about 3 years ago… No matter what the gender of my next child is, I know that I need them. I want more children! I crave the kick of a growing baby, the smell of a newborn, and daydream about the way my two boys will love him or her. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel DONE having children, but I know that if I stopped now, I would regret it.
SO, here’s to convincing my husband that he’s ready. I have literally resorted to full blown temper tantrums over having another baby. I mean, what else can I do? Those usually work for my kids, so I thought I’d give it a try…haha!
If you’ve had a miscarriage, no matter if it was early or late term, have you struggled with these feelings? I alway think it’s best to let it out and share with others who can relate! And if even if they can’t relate now, maybe they will one day. And if any of my stories can help someone else, I will call that a success. So if you need advice or want to vent, the good and the bad, I am always a click away in My Motherhood Life group on Facebook! Come join me there! <3